So what is this post about?
A book, “A Little ‘HELP’ Here?” by Simon Tam. Beatles meet Islam with comedic wackyness.
Tam isn’t much of a writer, but he does knock around the premise with some good gags. As I doubt anyone reading this would ever bother to find/read the book, here are all kinds of ‘spoilers’:
1969. Beatles are tops. Loved the world over, hotter than magnesium in oxygen. That is…until John Lennon, being interviewed before a concert in Kasmir, states that, “The Beatles are bigger than Allah!”
Big mistake.
Concert cancelled.
Muslim demands for Beatle blood rock the news.
Throughout the world, record stores selling Beatles albums are targets of jihad-Beatles albums are burned, Beatles fans found wearing their T-shirts are lynched, and within a few days all radio stations have dropped their music.
The Fab Four, smuggled quickly out of Kasmir by their tour manager, go into hiding.
Here Tam gets bogged down a bit with the infighting between the band members-I moved forward a few pages until the action stated again:
Ringo publicly converts to Islam to save his own skin, which breaks up the band.
George Harrison tries to reach out to the Muslim world by staging a concert for peace back in Kasmir.
While on stage with Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell singing “Peace Train”, Yoko Ono comes on stage, embraces Harrison and sets off her suicide vest. Yoko the secret Muslim fulfills her destiny.
Back in hiding (in Salt Lake City-an Islam-free zone) John and Paul watch the scene on TV, horrified along with the rest of the non-Muslim world.
John wants vengeance with a capital “V”-whether for George or Yoko is left open to intepretation. Paul just wants to get high.
Lennon contacts President Nixon, encourages him to use the might of the U.S. Military to ‘solve’ the crisis.
Nixon does exactly the wrong thing-he NUKES the holiest sites of Islam-Mecca, Medina, and, just to show that there are no favorites in nuclear war, the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.
This ignites the FULL holy war which destroys Western civilization-the powers that had been in 1969 had no idea how many Muslims there were in the world, how widespread their were through every continent except Antartica. Game over, West. The end.
If Tam makes even a little profit for the publishing company, I imagine he’ll be set, writing this drivel for a long time. I think it’s safe to say that there will be no Hollywood film of “A Little ‘HELP’ Here?” They could recut the original movie “HELP!” with the lads from Liverpool running from Muslims instead of adoring fans, but maybe I shouldn’t give Hollywood any ideas. Joe Bob says don’t check it out.
