NARRATOR: Our scene opens as Dr Obama, fearless and handsome teaching surgeon of Obama General Hospital is delivering a series of incredibly glib and fascinating medical facts to his adoring crowd of student doctors.
DR OBAMA: And that, students, is how you save the life of a patient suffering from ...insomnia!
(Cheers and clapping break out among the students. One faints.)
DR OBAMA: I’ve just been notified that our special patient has arrived for today's operation! Wheel him in!
(Two men, Dr. Cramer and his patient, Rob Economy walk in. Dr Cramer crosses right to Dr Obama)
DR CRAMER: Are you nuts? You have Mr Economy dragged down here? For What?
DR OBAMA: Who are you?
DR CRAMER: Doctor James Cramer, Mad Money Medical University! I have been one of the attending physicians for Mr Economy for years, and he's in perfect health!
DR OBAMA: Nonsense! That kind of thinking is what got the patient in such dire physical condition! Look at him!
DR CRAMER: I AM looking at him! Look! He's doing jumping jacks!
DR OBAMA: A seizure of some kind. Can't you hear his cries of pain?
DR CRAMER: That's Opera! We just ran twelve miles to get here, and Mr Economy isn't even winded!
NARRATOR: Dr Obama stared down at Dr Cramer with disgust, then, with a wink to his students, their cue to start laughing derisively at Dr Cramer's foolishness, Dr Obama walked slowly around the patient, arms crossed, obviously deep in thought. He looked very Doctorable.
DR OBAMA: Dr Cramer...can’t you see the very apparent bruises and wounds on all parts of the patient's body?
DR CRAMER: No bruises. No open wounds. Skin is healthy and unmarked. Notice that he's now doing one handed pull ups off that light.
DR OBAMA: The patient, Mr Economy, can hardly move he's in such pain! And YOU, Cramer, and your foolish outdated ideas of medicine have nearly killed the patient in your care! You're done here!
(Dr Obama signals to two orderlies who put a pillowcase over Dr Cramer's head and drag him out.)
DR OBAMA: Mr Economy, come here, please.
(Rob Economy puts down the gurney he'd been doing bench curls with and respectfully stands in front of Dr Obama)
DR OBAMA: Now students, notice that I don't ask the patient how he is feeling-he isn't a superbly trained medical professional as I am, so his opinion is worthless. My associates, Drs Pelosi and Reid will now prepare the patient for surgery. Mr Economy, please lay down on that operating table.
MR ECONOMY: I feel fine, Doc. But you're the doctor, so...okay!
(Mr Economy lies down and is quickly strapped to the table. Dr Reid places a block of wood between the patients ankles, while Dr Pelosi hefts her sledgehammer, a strange smile playing on her lips.)
Dr Pelosi: Mr Economy, I'm your biggest fan! But you brought this on yourself, and it's for your own good!
(Dr Pelosi swings the sledgehammer up above her head only to be stopped with a word from Dr Obama)
DR OBAMA: Dr Pelosi! Don't you think it would be a good idea to sedate the patient before you perform the surgery restoring his ability to walk? Dr Reid, if you would, please administer the anesthetic!
(Dr Reid walks up close to the patient)
Dr REID: This war is lost. This is the worst of all possible situations to ever plague our country in these perilous times. The Republicans are to blame for every fault, every mistake ever blundered, every crime perpetrated upon this lost and forlorn land. We have no bright future. All is darkness. There is no hope.
(Mr Economy is soon under; two student doctors standing too near fall into catatonic states.)
DR OBAMA: Now students...you will notice...that I do not ask you how we should proceed with treatment.
That's because this is all about MY teaching you, not you showing off your ignorance. There is only ONE possible course of treatment which will save this patient's life!
(The student doctors wait, giddy with hushed anticipation for the words of wisdom from their mentor. Dr Obama beams with pride, knowing that his brilliance on this day will make his legend even more golden and glorious.)
DR. OBAMA: Leeches, Gentlemen! We shall apply 2,000,000,000,000 Leeches!