Reducing dependence on imports

January 19, 2006
Washington, D.C.
Sociable Press

President Bush yesterday announced a long term, three step program to reduce dependence on imported beer. "The overall goal," said the President at a news conference held this morning, "is to lower our dependence on the Organization of Beer Exporting Countries (OBEC) who right now control the market." The price of a 1/2 barrel keg of beer is currently ranging from fifty dollars to one-hundred and fifty dollars or about $3.15 to $10.00 dollars a gallon. "I'm glad I quit drinking," chuckled the President, "but we do want to give some assistance to our fellow American beer lovers."

Step one is to ask Congress to pass subsidies for malt and hops growers much like the subsidies for giant grain producers. Little resistance is expected from Congress since "enough of them are beer lovers that lower prices would likely make those folks a lot less cranky and a bit easier to deal with," said Mr. Bush. Such subsidies would have a built-in "sunset" date and would have to be reauthorized by Congress if needed.

Step two, pictured here, is to place a limit on the number of beers each citizen will be allowed to consume per day. Initially, the number was set at three, but after crunching the numbers (and a six-pack or two) it was eventually reduced to one. The one-per-day limit is expected to last until domestic production of beer has increased to seventy percent of demand. At that time subsidies are to be phased out over a three year period.

Step three will be a public interest campaign to promote beer, especially domestic beer, as the national beverage. "We have the bald eagle, the liberty bell, Uncle Sam, and many other symbols and emblems," the President continued, "why not a national beverage, particularly beer since it's easy to spell and even easier to pronounce."

While no response has so far been heard from OBEC members, it is unlikely that Germany and Canada will not respond. If history is any guide they are likely to file protests with the United Nations and possibly even commence legal proceedings with the World Court. It is unknown at this time what the Administration's exit strategy would be in such an event, should it occur.

Senator Kennedy could not be reached for comment, but it is believed that he was instrumental in finalizing the size of the one-per-day container.

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