Call Me Dark River

How do you like it shofar? Forgive me having fun on the shortest day of the year-I have a picture of a shofar sitting in front of me, and thereby lies the tall tales. My simple mind also latches onto shiny objects.
Something called Perry Stone and Bill Cloud have ...produced...a DVD which almost could be mistaken for a study of the seven Feasts of Israel.
Study of the Feasts is fine-there is a lot of good insightful information to be discovered in the Feasts.
But Stone and Cloud aren't as interested in the Feasts as they are in:(Full title)
"PROPHETIC MYSTERIES OF THE" Seven Feasts of Israel.
They are code seekers and diviners of secret messages hidden in the Feasts. Or any other part of the Genesis/Exodus books. Or possibly in dissecting a chicken and reading the bones.
What I have learned so far:
Joseph of the coat of many colors, sold into slavery, became the viceroy of Egypt. His name and Egyptian title transliterate into (drum roll, please!) Joseph of Arimathea!
Which is important to Cloud and Stone because they suggest that Pharaoh only gave permission for the Israelites to leave for three days. But he knew they were bookin’ out of town for good when he checked Joseph's tomb... and the bones were gone! What’s the number for 9-1-dumb?
The scholarly Abbott and Costello drag their dramatic point over the line into ridiculousnessnessness by stating that in AD 33, when the tomb belonging to Joseph of Arimathea is found empty...Satan knew that he had fallen for the oldest trick mysteriously, prophetically hidden in The Book.
Not wanting to be responsible in case anyone’s head explodes, I’ll leave off there. Never mind about the three crosses on Golgotha being tied to the Passover blood placed in three crosses on the doorposts and lintels of the Israeli homes in Egypt. Which would mean that the two criminals...never mind-it’s much too too.
Behold, I tell you a mystery: a man is a place is a water. Douglas, from the Gaelic, means Dark River. Who knew I was so cool?