Friday, March 10, 2006

Scoop of the Year!

This may just be THE interview the World has been waiting to read. Kudos to Bill Gates of Microsoft, who has developed a breakthrough interphase device which will be the hallmark of their new Vista operating system. Codenamed “Booga” throughout the development process, the new device with the Microsoft copywrited title of “Ethra-Vista” will allow communications between the nether regions and our own plane of existence. I was honored to be chosen to conduct a special interview as a beta-test of the “Booga/Ethra-Vista” system. Here on this page, speaking for the first time in 1400 years...The Prophet Mohammed.

PM: Hey folks of the 21st century, how ya doin?
Me: Prophet Mohammed, thanks for taking the time to join us today.
PM: It’s all right, I've got all eternity.
Me: Have you been sitting in that vat of sulfur for 1400 years?
PM: Naw, its Tuesday here. Tomorrow it’ll be the lava-vomiting cockroaches.
Me: Through the Ethra-Vista interface I can actually smell the sulfur.
PM: Lucky for you, I guess.
Me: Have you had opportunity, sir, to keep up on current event on our side of the pale?
PM: We get the New York Times, and, of course, CNN is always on.
Me: So you’re aware that the faithful of your religion, Islam, have been a bit feisty lately?
PM: I’ll say. I wish they would cut it out-it’s embarrassing me no end.
Me: How so?
PM: Well, like yesterday-I’m stretched out on a rack, demons stuffing me full of burning camel dung, and Hitler rolls in with that smirk on his face, and I just know what’s coming.
“Hey Mohammed!” He calls from his cask of molten lead. “Seen any good cartoons lately? Haw haw haw!” He knows I hate that laugh.
Me: Since you brought it up, Mr. Prophet,
PM: Call me Bill. It’s kind of my nickname here.
Me: All right...Bill. Since you brought up the cartoons, how do you feel about them?
PM: Listen, you don’t get to be the head of a world-wide religion with a thin skin. So I guess if they spell my name right, I should be happy, you know what I mean?
Me: As in, at least they remember you.
PM: Exactly! It's been 1400 years, and things get forgotten pretty easily.
Me: Are there any misconceptions about your life or Islam that you would like to clear up?
PM: I’ll say! Number one-listen, mine is the religion of Peace, right?
Me:’s one of them.
PM: I’ll take that. Religion of Peace. I called for my followers to KISS the Jews, kill them with kindness, if you know what I mean, not kill them literally!
Me: That certainly seems to have been confused.
PM: Confused isn’t a big enough word. I wanted to get along with everybody, and somehow my faithful can’t get along with anyone.
Me: But...Bill, didn’t you invade Medina and kill all the Jews there?
PM: You want to know what happened? It started out as a friendly soccer game, and then this line judge calls a red card on me, OBVIOUSLY favoring the home team; the fans got a little out of hand, and there you go. Riot City.
Me: Those who know only a little about you often bring up the fact that you married a six year old girl.
PM: I swear, her Dad told me she was 21!
Me: Bill, you’re joking, right?
PM: Yeah. Just trying to keep things light. She was six. I was a total idiot.
Me: It’s refreshing to hear you say that.
PM: Yeah, well, you gain some perspective in 1400 years. Oh great.
Me: What is it, Bill?
PM: Caligula just waved at me. It’s time for my visit to the Nagging Room.
Me: Nagging Room?
PM: Yeah. All of my wives get to rip my flesh with white-hot hooks while doing that ululating scream thing.
Me: That sounds pretty bad.
PM: Hey, you get used to anything. The newbies like Uday and Qusay still cry like little baby-men if they get stuffed in a burning pig carcass for awhile. Wusses.
Me: Well, thank you, Prophet Mohammed, for visiting with us today.
PM: If I knew any pleasure in this place, I would say, ‘My pleasure.’
Me: Any final words of wisdom that you would like to share with the world?
PM: Play nice, and forget all that ‘convert to Islam or die stuff‘. Live and let live, that’s my motto now.
Me: Words to live by, Bill.

No comments: